Update: This post was written in my journal and old blog (lifewithoutmykids.com) years ago. I’ve moved it here and still share it because I know you’re feeling or have felt the same emotions and frustrations.
My ex-husband, his wife and I have since reconciled our friendship. Like, we’re literally friends now and, even though not specifically prayed for and definitely not expected – it’s one of the greatest miracles I’ve experienced throughout my journey. We no longer hold any anger or resentment towards each other. Forgiveness is truly free. So please keep that in mind as you read this post.
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All I need is a breakthrough, something to break this pattern, to help me breathe a little lighter and sleep a little deeper.
I’ve been missing-in-action for quite a while with not much to show for it really. At least it doesn’t feel like it to me.
Sure, in the last 2.5 months Ethan and I have traveled the country again, camped in 7 states, visited long-ago friends across the south and oddly enough, I’m empty. Like I can’t feel anything, but despair. There’s a void, a deep one and only one thing can fill it – my boys.
Yes, I know God is by my side. His presence is here. His love and endless grace continually carries us through. And always has. But as a mother, this heart hurts. It aches an ache that no human should ever have to feel.
This isn’t even about being a noncustodial mom or even a single mom; this is simply about wanting something I can’t have right now. Not in a greedy, I-deserve-them-more-than-you or a I’m-better-than-you-are kind of way, but in a I-CANT-LIVE-WITHOUT-THEM kind of way.
I’ve long stopped caring about the title noncustodial mom because that is apparently God’s purpose for me, but I can’t stop caring about how much I need them and they need me.
God, I know you know this. I know You love them way more than I ever could, but c’mon. Six years? Really, God? Isn’t that long enough? How ’bout all the hell we’ve been through? Doesn’t that count for anything?
I’ve laid down my life, here, at Your feet, learning patience, trust, increasing in faith, letting go and letting you, building confidence and inner strength, living with Your daily wisdom, grace and endless mercy, but I just can’t even begin to fathom what You’re doing?
So.. what is it? What are You doing? Why my boys? Why do they have to live without their mommy? They don’t deserve this. Maybe I do. But they don’t. Don’t punish them for my mistakes.
I was the one who married their dad and allowed him beat me down until I could no longer stand on my own. I was a real wife, a lay-down-your-all-for-your-husband type of wife. Whatever he wanted, I did. Whatever he did, I followed. Whatever he suggested, I agreed. I thought that’s what you did in a marriage. The two become one thing.
Nobody ever saw through the outward appearance to see the realness behind closed doors. And if they did, they never told me. You knew I was too naive, young and over-protected-by-choice to see those things. You made me that way. But because of that naivety, he stomped all over me, threw me under the bus and took my kids away. Even when the police were there. Remember that, God? How he stood there all triumphant with a disgustingly proud smile upon his face.
The boys stood close, wide-eyed and unsure. They watched that GOD! Why? They didn’t need to see that. They didn’t have to watch their mommy pack up her car not knowing when she would return. I couldn’t even hug them. I was told just to get my things – the things he pre-packed for me, and to leave.
Police escort. Really? Was that even necessary. You knew he lied about 99% of the things he said in court. Yes, I made mistakes, but he sure as hell did, too! We both did stupid things. I gave my life for him and this is how he treats me, and You let him?
God, you know every emotion I am feeling right now. You’ve allowed these circumstances and trials in my life for a reason. I’ve learned so much about myself, my family, my kids, the ex, life, and especially You. But I’m tired, weak and I see no end in sight.
I know the future isn’t for me to tell and that’s where hope is supposed to play its part, but when all my hopes have been dashed year after year after year, this hope thing is getting really old.
All I need is a breakthrough. A new reason to keep up my faith because its waxing and waning on a severe level right now.
My tears are the only thing filling this emptiness, so please, hurry.