It would be easier to say… I just do. But I know that’s not entirely sufficient.
For me, those three words hold twelve years of numerous failures, forced beginnings and traumatic endings.
They hold a heartache deeper than the oceans and higher than the heavens.
They hold a desperation, a defiance – a state of mind that often finds no destination.
They still grasp tightly to years of memories and visitations denied, years of dishonest accusations and unadulterated, bold-faced lies.
But… they also hold a powerful, unassailable, intense type of pure, unconditional love.
They lay claim to uninterrupted, infinite levels of forgiveness and grace.
They are recklessly flowing over with triumphs and victories of a new-found, interminable form of self-love, maturity, and wisdom.
To get there, however, I had to make a choice. I had to choose myself. Just as you now have to choose yourself.
… your world has ended.
… how unbelievably real and agonizing the pain is.
… how the sweet sound of their voice can cause an overabundant avalanche of tears.
… the many hours you lay in your bed, tightly hugging child-shaped pillows for measureless hour upon hour.
… how tear-stained and reassuring those pillows have become.
… how the battlefield has devoured your mind.
… how the dreams of suicide and plans of death consume you.
… that life will never be the same.
The ups and downs.. the love and hate.. the happies and sad.. the defeats and victories.. the lessons and failures.. they are just part of the journey. Your journey.
You can choose to live the one life you do have – or not.
Your decision may not come overnight. I can almost guarantee that. But it will reveal itself to you if you want it to.
Four things must happen before the reveal, though:
- You have to learn to believe in yourself.
- You have to learn to love yourself.
- You have to learn to trust yourself.
- Then you have to do. Learn it, then do it.
Only you have the answer you are searching for. No one can find it for you. You may have never believed, loved, or trusted in yourself before, that’s okay. Now is the time.
It’s not the time to cower under the darkness of this world, the evilness of its people. It’s time to stand to your feet, scream to the world that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
You are worthy of life, you are worthy of extraordinary greatness, you are worthy and deserving of a fulfilled life of happiness and unlimited success. It all begins with you and the choice you make.
So to answer your question, “How Do I Live As A Noncustodial Mom?”:
I chose myself. I chose to move forward without guilt or shame. I chose to daily take that next step even if each step forward was separated by ten steps backward. I chose to get out of my bed. I chose not to commit suicide. I chose to focus on the good, not the bad – even when the bad tried to suffocate the good. I chose to believe in myself. I chose to love who I was becoming. I chose to trust in who God created me to be – inside and out. I chose to trust the process – the process of growth, the process of life.
Will you choose yourself?