Update: This post was written in my journal and old blog (lifewithoutmykids.com) years ago. I’ve moved it here and still share it because I know you’re feeling or have felt the same emotions and frustrations.
My ex-husband, his wife and I have since reconciled our friendship. Like, we’re literally friends now and, even though not specifically prayed for and definitely not expected – it’s one of the greatest miracles I’ve experienced throughout my journey. We no longer hold any anger or resentment towards each other. Forgiveness is truly free. So please keep that in mind as you read this post.
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For so long I have seen myself as just a noncustodial mom. That’s it. Like it’s what I was created for, who I was destined to be.
Being a noncustodial mom was just my lot in life. Everyone has one and this was mine. To me it was almost a form of punishment, a price I had to pay for being a good wife and giving him free, unrestrained and ungoverned control in every part of my psyche – visible and invisible.
Little ‘ol sunshiney, submissive me. Yup, what a fine character I became.
Noncustodial mom equaled my cross to bear.
And if I was going to survive the weight of this relentless, oppressive, burdensome, grief-stricken cross, I needed to put on my happy face and somehow, someway find happiness inside of it.
So I did, and I have.
Now, clearly, I haven’t been flawless, but I have been flawless enough to eek out an existence in the midst of the incessant and forceful drowning waves of mental and emotional misery.
Rah rah rah.. go me. Ugh. Not at all excited about that.
But hang with me, we’re going to talk this out together:
What if this really is just part of the journey and not actually the final destination of who I am to be? Of who you are to be?
What if this really wasn’t my end, but rather just a beginning to new freedoms, new experiences, new loves, new dreams, new opportunities – my beginning to a new end? Or your beginning to your new end?
What if the title “noncustodial mom” wasn’t really a title or a brand that created the sum of my whole being, choosing instead to house only a fraction of my whole, a slice of my pie? Or a slice of your pie?
What if this arrangement was chosen for me with the foreknowledge that it would generate expansion in my life, not destruction? Or expansion in your life?
Could it be so? Could there really be more goodness, more worthiness and more giant-sized happies out there in this big, bad, defeating, life-sucking world of mine? Or yours?
Have my thought processes been so pea-sized, so degrading, so self-conscious and so unguarded that I have failed to rightly see and understand the bigger picture, the goal, the future that could lie ahead, falling instead at the feet of every debilitating strike? Have yours?
What if: Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end?
What if: Your journey doesn’t define the sum of your being, creating instead a more tenacious, immovable, steadfast, joyful you?
What if: The bottomless treasury residing underneath your tear-stained cheeks determines the depth of your greatness and purpose, not the pain from which the tears erupt?