Why me? Why was I chosen the loser, the incompetent one?
I know you’ve asked yourself the same question many times over, as I have. It’s become part of our daily life, our uncharted territory. The “why me’s” echo like an incessant toddler screeeeeeeching no, noooo, noooooo!
For my sake and yours, I desperately wish I could answer that question. I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could wrap all of you in my arms and squeeze you tight until you burst open with hope and renewal.
Before I continue, I want to apologize from the depths of my heart for my last post. I know it was hard for you, and perhaps emotionally debilitating. I don’t want to hurt you anymore or cause you to cry, like I am now. But I’ve lived in silence for over 6 years, just waiting… waiting… waiting… for the right time to share, to offer hope and comfort to a whole generation of mom’s and/or dad’s, like you, who are forced to live a life without their kids, simply because a handful of people think we aren’t worthy.
I’ll never say I was a perfect person and lived my life in an upright manner 100% of every moment of every day, but I can guarantee you that my ex didn’t either. Hello! We’re both human, not capable of perfection. We both were stupid and selfish. So what? We’re just like the rest of humanity. We got our swim on in the currents of life decently well, though him quite a bit more than I.
So, again, why me? Why was I chosen the loser, the incompetent one?
I don’t really know. I do know, however, that I didn’t choose this life, I didn’t ask for this life, and I sure as everything don’t deserve this life.
But, then again, who am I? Who are you? Are we just some freaks of nature that have been deposited here on earth so the big man upstairs can watch us squirm in such painful heartache? You think?
What if? What if there was a purpose to all this pain? What if you are to experience something that very few have experienced just so you can help others find their way? Or what if someone is writing a book about you and just needs a good ‘ol juicy plot?
Sounds creepy. And not fun. And definitely not my cup of tea.
But seriously, have you ever thought about that before? The whole… what is your purpose? Why you? Why were we chosen to live this life?
I have. My thoughts weren’t pretty, and neither was my mouthy response in return. I didn’t care about anyone else. No reason to. The “anyone else’s” branded me, and not once, even to this day, have they ever asked for my opinion.
Woe is me, and you better believe it!
Besides, I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal to actually want to live with my kids, the ones I … uh … spit out of me. Not too much to ask, right?
It seemed being human was my downfall, forgetting that it takes two to tango, in many more ways than one.
Being human, though, meant that I could choose to grow through this experience and use it to serve others or I could choose to remain one with the hurt and anger. That choice will determine my future.
What will you choose?